Financial infidelity is the term for hiding financial
details from your spouse or partner. These secrets can include debts, an
extravagant purchase, an investment loss, missed payments, a low credit score,
and repossession. For example, a survey from Money magazine found that 22% of respondents admitted to spending
money they did not want their spouse to know about.
Financial transparency is a sizable portion of
relationship trust. You cannot make sober joint decisions unless you both know all
of the details of your real financial
situation. Problems arise when partners have very different financial spending
priorities. One common method to bridge this gap is to allow each partner to
have their own discretionary (or off-books) money as a “relief valve” to spend
money without accountability or anyone judging over their shoulder. This must
be a known and limited amount to each partner, say $20-$250 per month
(depending upon your level of income) that is added into each partner’s off-books
fund. Whatever this amount is, it must be a budgeted and an affordable amount
that you both agree upon.
Relationship-financial bumps occur when a partner
discovers that the other spent money without notifying or asking the other
partner. I separate these into minor or major issues. A minor issue might be an
annoyance – some hundreds or low thousands on a selfish item. Examples of this would
are likely (for women) clothing, shoes, handbags, and jewelry, and (for men)
electronics, hobby/sports gear. Handling this may include discussions about what
is underlying the behavior and how possibly both parties may be contributing to
the issues. The next level in financial deception is ongoing behavior with
secret bank accounts and credit cards.
A major issue would be a significant financial move that
derails future plans. The most common examples I find are: a couple is thwarted
from buying a new home when it is revealed that there is a hidden credit card maxed
out or an unexpectedly low credit score from secret unpaid bills. Another
example is when you open the mail to discover past-due notices for your rent,
mortgage, or car payment that you thought were current. Or, the Sheriff’s Deputy
rings the doorbell to repossess some items that you didn’t know were financed
and past-due. I know two different people that became suspicious and looked up their
home at the County Clerk’s office to discover that their husbands had secretly
taken out large second mortgages to fund secret addictions (one was gambling
and the other was drugs). Both families were left in financial ruin with
crushing debts to pay down.
Marriage and communication problems can leach into
financial problems. Plus, these minor and major financial issues can be the
side-effect or symptom of other problems, such as: fallout from expensive
hobbies, addictions, a problem within the relationship, or a psychological
issue. Some secret debts may begin small (a drop in pay that a partner hopes is
temporary), then snowballs when business doesn’t turn around, and is now too
large to come clean to the other partner. Therapist Carleton Kendrick says the
chief reasons people lie about money to their partners are pragmatism (secretly
planning to divorce), control (revenge spending), guilt (from irresponsible
behavior), and fear (afraid of partner’s reaction to the truth).
When someone has been “busted” on financial infidelity there
is a common prescription: fully coming clean, address deeper issues by both
parties, come to a resolution, make a plan to pay off the debt and the
commitment for transparency in the future. (Of course, this can take many days
and several thoughtful conversations when both can be calm). However, if a
partner continues making infractions, there is a deeper issue that may require
professional counseling to work through emotions – a shopping addiction, sexual
infidelity, an emotional outlet of stress spending, self-image issues,
differing expectations on lifestyle, etc.
When there is a major financial issue, or many
repeat incidents, it is time to pause and evaluate – is this person
“relationship worthy?” Do I want to spend the time, effort, and money to turn
this relationship around? There are marriage counselors that specialize in
financial issues, but that may not be enough if the spender is unwilling to
change or address their issues. At that point, it is time to consider
separation options or divorce in order to financially protect yourself.